Authors note: This is an unedited stream of thoughts. I had the urge to blog and thought I would share this.
Hey everyone hope you’re all okay!
I’ve been a bit quiet on here for a bit and I’ve noticed I’ve lost a little bit of the momentum I had for blogging im the beginning.
Yesterday I got my final grade for my BA in criminology and sociology and it was not what I was hoping for. Luckily I prepared for this and applied for mitigating circumstances so I can retake the modules I failed. The thing is, University has been the worst experience of my life. I have been miserable since the day I started which is now 5 years ago. I still haven’t graduated. I started in September 2014 at 18 years old. Something that has changed my life happened during my first week which followed me and frankly broke me for a year after.
Then in my second year or University my grandad was diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer. The pain I felt for another year, while I watched my grandad die, was indescribable. I fell into a deep depression. A depression I find I am still battling with to this day. He died February 2017. I dropped out of uni for a year. I got sacked from a job I enjoyed.
Somehow I found enough motivation within myself to try again. I got the chance to retake my second year, and I got a 2:1 overall. But it wasn’t enough to lift me out of the darkness I had surrounded myself with. I went into my final year and I crumbled. My anxiety prevented me from attending lectures, seminars and even from using public transport. I became a house bound recluse for a year.
It is only now, 5 years after enrolling into Univeristy, that I feel my mindset is more suited to the work it requires. I am by no means better. I struggle everyday. I have forced myself to get out of this room. I am trying to get better and I hope, after all that’s happened to me, this time I will try. I think I will because for the first time in 5 years, I want to live. I want to try. I didn’t before. I didn’t care enough to try. But I care now.
I hope this time will be different but only I can make it different. Only I can make the necessary changes.