I’m Struggling: My Rambling Thoughts

Authors note: This is an unedited stream of thoughts. I had the urge to blog and thought I would share this.

Hey everyone hope you’re all okay!

I’ve been a bit quiet on here for a bit and I’ve noticed I’ve lost a little bit of the momentum I had for blogging im the beginning.

Yesterday I got my final grade for my BA in criminology and sociology and it was not what I was hoping for. Luckily I prepared for this and applied for mitigating circumstances so I can retake the modules I failed. The thing is, University has been the worst experience of my life. I have been miserable since the day I started which is now 5 years ago. I still haven’t graduated. I started in September 2014 at 18 years old. Something that has changed my life happened during my first week which followed me and frankly broke me for a year after.

Then in my second year or University my grandad was diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer. The pain I felt for another year, while I watched my grandad die, was indescribable. I fell into a deep depression. A depression I find I am still battling with to this day. He died February 2017. I dropped out of uni for a year. I got sacked from a job I enjoyed.

Somehow I found enough motivation within myself to try again. I got the chance to retake my second year, and I got a 2:1 overall. But it wasn’t enough to lift me out of the darkness I had surrounded myself with. I went into my final year and I crumbled. My anxiety prevented me from attending lectures, seminars and even from using public transport. I became a house bound recluse for a year.

It is only now, 5 years after enrolling into Univeristy, that I feel my mindset is more suited to the work it requires. I am by no means better. I struggle everyday. I have forced myself to get out of this room. I am trying to get better and I hope, after all that’s happened to me, this time I will try. I think I will because for the first time in 5 years, I want to live. I want to try. I didn’t before. I didn’t care enough to try. But I care now.

I hope this time will be different but only I can make it different. Only I can make the necessary changes.

Signed,

Jen X

13 thoughts on “I’m Struggling: My Rambling Thoughts

  1. Do not give up, dear. Do not give up. Take it slow, no matter if it takes 5, or 6, or whatever years. You’ve been through so many… hard and distasteful moments. I wish i had words to cure. Take care, dear, and don’t give up.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The good news is that education and schooling are completely different things. If you love your field and work for it, you just might get where you want to be. I spent too many years at the wrong place for the right field but when I look back, it helped me get here. Don’t let the university get you down. If that’s the field you want to work in (sociology and criminology? Impressive!) then you might have to work harder to get it but it will be worth it. I’m sure that you will do great with it. If not that, than something else.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment!
      It has been a struggle and I’m not even sure its the field I want to go into. I enjoy it and am intrigued by the disciplines but I’ve changed so much since I was 17 and choosing my degree.

      Like

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