More Rambling Thoughts

Me and my silly grandad

I just wanted to blog to vent some of the things I’m feeling.

I miss my grandad. I miss him so much. It’s the worst pain you can imagine, thinking to call him. Or seeing something he would laugh at and wanting to show him.

For years, he said to me I should watch Dexter, and for years I said no. He said I would love it and I always said no. Why did I say no? Why? I watched it a year after he died and loved it. When I realised what I had done, I broke down. I cried and cried as a thought popped into my head. I should tell grandad I watched it. But I couldn’t. The guilt was indescribable. I felt like an awful person. I left it too late and now he’s gone and we can never discuss it.

I even started getting into the music he loved like Pendragon and Pink Floyd. Yet more things I will never share with him.

He raised me like his own. Bought my school uniforms. Told the worst jokes ever. Made me laugh. Made me feel loved when I felt worthless.

A year before he got ill, I cried to my boyfriend because I felt worried for him. I said, I’m worried something is going to happen to my grandad. And then it did. I’ve carried the weight of that thought since the day he was diagnosed with cancer. I find myself wondering, if I had never said that, if I never spoke it into existence, maybe he would still be here.

I miss my grandad. I miss him so much.

8 thoughts on “More Rambling Thoughts

    • He was the best there ever was.
      He was everything to me and losing him has been the hardest thing to learn to deal with. Thank you for your lovely words!!!

      Like

  1. Hey Jen! There is always someone we feel guilty for, mostly grandparents because we don’t give them enough time and then they are gone. It is natural to feel this. But when it comes to death, remember saying something doesn’t make it happen. Even if we curse someone, we cannot make it happen. It is Almighty’s job to decide everyone’s exit. I am sure you Grandfather will agree. ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Shaily! Its true. I’m blessed to have spent a lot of time with him growing up, I basically lived with my grandparents growing up and was there most days of the week. He was so young when he was taken away from me, only 58 years old so it feels like I’ve been robbed of more time with him. I always imagined him as an old great grandad. You’re right, words cant make something happen but it’s always on my mind. Maybe this or maybe that. Thank you x

      Liked by 1 person

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