Blog · Creative Writing · writing

One Year Anniversary!

Today marks one year since I registered with WordPress. I can honestly say it is one of the best things I’ve done for myself and I’m so glad to have taken the plunge and started posting on my little slither of the World Wide Web.

I want to thank every last follower, every liker, commenter and lurker for your support. Thank you for being by my side throughout this journey. Thank you for reading my stories and investing your time into the characters and worlds I’ve created.

I thought I’d do something a bit different for my next post. If you have any questions you want me to answer about my writing process, how I come up with ideas or anything else you want to know about me and I’ll do my best to answer them all.

I’ve had writers block for a while now so I’m sorry about the very distinct lack of stories recently. It’s been a very stressful time for me (excuses keep on coming don’t they?) But as soon as my results reach my inbox, I hope my creativity will return.

Let me know in the comments any questions you have and thank you for everything.

Signed,

Jen

Blog

A Bit Of An Update

Good evening everyone, hope you’re doing well.

It’s been a while since my last post and I thought I’d give you a bit of an update. I tried to look through my stories to see if I had any worth posting, but to avail. So you’ll just have to put up with me for a while.

I’m currently finishing my dissertation for my Undergraduate degree and it is bloody hard. I know what I’m writing, I’ve analysed the data and yet I still detest opening the document and can’t seem to find the motivation to continue it. But I must. I will.

I’m looking forward to the 5th of June, as that is the day I finally wave goodbye to my degree and to my University. I like my Uni, the lecturers are amazing and they have been more than accommodating to us during this trying time. I just can’t wait to finally be done with my degree, 5 years after I started it. (To be fair, I did take a year out!)

I love my course too. I will miss it. But I have plans to become a teacher in the discipline I’m studying, which will allow me to do what I love everyday and even learn a few things from the students themselves. It’s a goal and I do hope to reach it. Although that does include another year of study, but I’ve made my peace with that issue.

Well, that’s about all I have to say. I hope it wasn’t too dull for you to sit through. If by some mini miracle you’ve made it this far, please let me know in the comments how you’ve been and what you’re looking forward to in the future.

(I will have a new story for you very soon!)


Jen

Blog

I’m stuck

Hey everyone hope you are well.

I’m sorry there hasn’t been a new story in nearly a month, yikes. A month is a long time. But I do have an explanation, I promise.

I’m a final year University student and I have been forced to dedicate most of my time to research and essay writing. But when I’m not doing research, I feel guilty writing stories. My desire to do well this year is fighting with my desire to write stories and ultimately my book. My poor poor book thats been left on the wayside while I try to organise my priorities.

That’s not to say I haven’t had any ideas for stories. I have a whole folder filled with half thoughts as well as a few developed plots and characters.

I have an essay due on the 28th of the month. After this deadline has come and gone, I will aim to post a new story/some kind of post at LEAST once a fortnight.

Thank you for coming to my pointless Ted Talk.

Happy Thursday and see you all in the next one.

Signed

Jen X

Blog · Book Recommendations · Creative Writing

A Tough Story To Write

Hey everyone, hope you’re doing well. If you haven’t already, please check out my latest short story. Part One is here and Part Two here.

For today’s chatty post, I wanted to discuss a piece I’ve just finished. It’s for a competition and the brief was simply “Life Writing” or in other words it needs to be about an experience of the authors that’s “intended to be true, but not fiction.” At first I was a bit confused, so I decided to just pick a prominent experience I’ve had in life and write about it.

I usually tend to lean towards more sad experiences. I believe sadness is such a powerful emotion, it is often the dark times that wedge themselves into your memory rather than the happy. Or maybe that’s just my pessimism.

I decided to write about regret. I wrote a short story of around 5 pages based on an experience I had as a teenager, that still visits me in my moments of contentedness. Almost as if it demands to be acknowledged, and for it to be acknowledged, I need to feel all the emotions that come with it. Grief, anguish, sadness, regret and then some more regret.

It’s the first time I have ever written about my grandad. For those who don’t know, I lost my grandad in 2017 and it has taken almost 3 years to be able to think of him without crying. However, as I reflected on this moment in my life that I shared with him, I did cry. I cried when I remembered the day, I cried after I wrote my first sentence and I cried once it was finished.

It was extremely difficult to write. I hope in writing it, I will somehow find the strength to put the regret I feel to bed, for good. I’m not feeling it just yet though.

Maybe once the competition is over, I will post it here.


To end this post on a slightly happier note, here is a book recommendation.

I said this was a happier note? Apparently I don’t know the meaning of it. Although this book is sad, it follows a group of friends who undergo awful treatment, but still manage to salvage something from it. Small victories in a life full of large downfalls, are still victories worth celebrating.


Signed,

Jen X

Blog · writing

Sleep? Where for art thou sleep?

On Saturday night I decided to deep clean my room the following day. Then I decided I better wait until Monday, everyone else will be at work and I won’t disturb anyone if I did it like that. I’d be completely free and alone.

It’s now 6.25 Monday morning, the day I planned to start the desperately needed spring clean, and yet sleep has once again evaded me.

I find when I have something planned for the next day, insomnia says “Ha, you really thought you could achieve that?”

I want to let insomnia and self doubt win. I’m too tired to fight it. I’m waiting for my boyfriend to wake up to go to work, I might even go to the shop with him on his way. I probably won’t though. More plans I will inevitably cancel.

Why is sleep so bloody tricky? Why can my boyfriend close his eyes and be asleep within seconds? How does he manage to stay asleep for so long? How does he turn his thoughts down?

I love sleep. Especially dreamless sleeps, the comfortable nothing of a deep slumber is all I want.

I will try to sleep for a few hours and maybe I will find the motivation to clean. I hope so.


Jen x

Blog

Making Changes

Hey everyone hope you are well!

Last night before I fell asleep I was overwhelmed with anxiety. Most of it was due to it being Christmas and then New Year. New Year for me has never been something I look forward to, because I have never really known what the year will have for me.

This time, I have a plan but I’m still terrified.

I decided I don’t want to wait till the 1st of January to start making the necessary changes. So I thought I would immortalise my ‘resolutions’ here in the hope it will motivate me to continue.

Read At Least One Book A Week

Now, I can read anywhere from 3 to 6 books a week on a good week.

However I am in my last year of University and need to dedicate most of my time to academic research and reading.

One book a week feels doable.

Focus On University/Dissertation

As some of you might know, I have been at Uni since 2014. I have had a very hard time during uni, I’ve suffered a loss, been through unimaginable pain and suffered with debilitating depression and anxiety.

I feel I’m slowly coming out of it, but I won’t succeed unless I truly focus.

I would like to think I’m an intelligent person, but my grades don’t always reflect that. But that’s due to me never actually trying 100%. I didn’t revise for my GCSE’S but managed to coast through. I then didn’t revise for my A Levels and again managed to get by.

I want the grade I know I deserve and I’m the only person who can make that happen.

Revise Maths Every Day

I failed two GCSE’s: French and Maths. But the issue is I failed my maths GCSE 7 times. I got a D, 7 times.

Of course my dream is to one day be a published author. But I also want to be a teacher. My university let me in without maths but to be a teacher you need it.

I have always struggled with maths. Numbers don’t make sense to me, I can’t visualise any numbers in my minds eye, the way I can with words and sentences and story ideas. Maths has always been my worst enemy.

That’s got to change. I need to work hard on maths because it doesn’t come naturally to me. I want to revise for at least an hour every day, until I can sit my exam in June. If I start now, who knows a miracle could happen and I might get more than just a C.


I hope you enjoyed this post and if you have any resolutions you’re putting off until New Year, maybe think about starting now!

Signed,

Jen X

Blog

Twas A Christmas Before Christmas!

Hey every one hope you are well!

This might be hideously early to say, but as I am not usually one to be excited for Christmas, I’m going to say it anyway:

I am looking forward to Christmas!

I have set up my little Christmas tree and have completed my Christmas shopping (early for once!)

My Nutcracker Son

I have been with my partner for coming on 5 years, and we have never spent Christmas Day together. Mainly because, I don’t see my family as much as I used to, so I would feel disgustingly guilty all day if I were to spend it with my partner and his family. The same goes for him. He spends every boxing day with his family of which the holidays are the only time in the year they all get together. Same goes for me and my family traditions on boxing day.

My Other Nutcracker Son

Although I have managed some years to do both, but that involves travelling from one side of London to the other which is a bit of a pain in the jingle bells.

Anyway, this year we had an overwhelming brainwave. Why not have our own “Christmas Day” together? We looked at eachother as if to say, WHY HAVE WE NEVER THOUGH OF THIS BEFORE?

I love my family, but I always miss my partner on the big day. But this year, we have planned our own! I have bought plates, crackers, napkins, candy canes and more Christmassy things. We will be spending the day watching Christmas movies, drinking Bailey’s and playing Cluedo!

My Fluffy Penguin Son

I feel so blessed to say I will be enjoying the festive season with everyone I love and I am so grateful that I am in a position to do so, for the first time.

I usually suffer with depressive episodes during Christmas and other holidays in which ‘happiness’ is almost expected. It makes me feel guilty, as if I’m doing it wrong, which of course sounds mental.

Anyway, I do hope everyone has a blessed and happy holiday season! I feel so grateful.

Signed,

Jen x

Blog · reading

My Audio Book Experience

Hello everyone, I hope you are doing well. I thought I would come on here and discuss something I have recently come to realise. I have always been a firm activist for the preservation of physical books. They, in my humble opinion, are superior in many ways. I love feeling the weight of a book, as it reminds me that these words came from someone’s imagination. A book makes them feel real. I have many more reasons as to why I prefer reading books, but that’s a completely different blog post.

Recently, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to pick up a book. The motivation to do so has been laying dormant somewhere inside me. But the desire and urge to read remained. I’ve been focussing most of my time on academic reading for my degree, of which has left me devoid of motivation for recreational reading.

I’m an Amazon Prime customer and am constantly bombarded with Audible advertisements, offering me 2 free credits for any audio books of my choosing. As I mentioned earlier I haven’t read a book in some time, so I decided to try Audible. I chose a book that interested me and decided I would try to fall asleep while listening to it. My only experience with audio books would be when I used an app that read soft sleep stories, in soothing hushed tones that lull you to sleep. I quickly realised this experience was vastly different. The voices were very expressive and demanded to be heard. I ended up listening to 5 hours of the book without realising it.

I finished the audio book and swiftly selected my second free title. I was equally as drawn in to the story as I was with the first one. I am very shocked to have enjoyed it so much.

It has definitely helped me reinvigorate the motivation to read again. Almost. To be fair to myself, I have been writing more recently which is a positive thing.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this little post, it’s a lot less serious than a lot of my other posts recently.

Let me know what you prefer in the comments.


Jen X

Blog · Creative Writing · Poetry

My Anxious Thoughts Before An Interview!

Hello everyone!

I had my first job interview in what feels like years today. I won’t say where but it is a well known company in London.

I am usually very good in an interview setting, although inside I am falling apart until the last minute.

I got to my interview 45 minutes early which is good, but that also meant there’s more time to panic. I have been known to panic so much to the point I turn around and don’t even go to the interview. I build it up to be the most terrifying thing ever. Which in a way, it is.

A lot of my anxiety stems from an intense fear of embarrassing myself or being judged. The issue with interviews is, that’s the point, to be judged.

It was a group interview which makes it even worse.

I decided to use my spare time to write some thoughts down. Some are a bit like poems, others are just quotes.

The main one I wrote again and again was:

It’s okay to be afraid as long as you try.

So that’s what I did. I tried my best and that’s all I could do.

I thought I would share some more of my thoughts here as I found it so helpful to get them out on paper right before taking a deep breath and being the best version of myself possible.


We are all in the same boat

But what if this boat sinks?

Don’t fret it will stay afloat

But what if the winds take us away?

Don’t fret everything will be okay


Familiarity

Differences

Same

Opposite

Breathe

Choke

Can

Can’t

You must

I will


It’s okay to be afraid

It’s okay to want to run

But it’s not okay to give up

You must try your best

It’s all you can do.


People rushing past me

I wonder where they’ve been

Or where they’re going

Their faces a vision of focus

Their eyes glued straight ahead

I steal a look once or twice

But we quickly divert our gaze

We have all been places

We are all going places

But where?

You Sir, are you okay?

Excuse me miss would you like a hand?

I would like very much to understand

How we all live alone in our minds

But we’re never really alone

Everywhere you look there’s people

Happy, sad, depressed or other

Why cant we all be kinder to eachother?

Instead people rush past me

And I can’t help wondering

Who they are


So there’s a little insight into the mind of an introverted anxious interviewee.

Hope you enjoyed!

Signed,

Jen X